A Permanent Guest Of The Taloned House of Death

Personal Feb 19, 2025

Warning: This blog post discusses disturbing themes, mainly of death, grief, and loss. The death in question is that of a member of an EroFights member that you may or may not know.

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We never did finish that movie. Work called her away 25 minutes in and we agreed to watch it together at a later date. We continued to hang out, flirt, and spend time together until Chaste suddenly went AWOL in the midst of the now-defunct December Sexfight Invitational tournament.

It was a different time. Everyone was stranded indoors while a deadly virus ran riot outside. EroFights was still in its infancy, and its community still trying to find its feet.

Big Tech had also not yet turned their gaze on banning Discord music bots. The world felt far smaller then. A favourite pastime of mine was sleeping extremely late, and even when I did sleep, I would do so while a music bot serenaded me over Discord.

As I slept, I would set my status on Discord as "away", with the message: "I ATE'NT DEAD": a Discworld reference — the character Granny Weatherwax would hold a sign bearing that message whenever she was in a death-like state while witching.

This was essentially a message for Chaste and several to keep the playlist running by feeding it their musical recommendations until I woke up.

9/2/2025

Members of online communities tend to come and go regularly. I should know, as I have done that with many communities in the past. I've bade tearful goodbyes to EroFights no less than twice, never quite managing it in both cases.

But goodbyes aren't always that dramatic. Sometimes real life gets in the way and people get busy, so they don't log in. Sometimes a country can ban a certain website or app. Some even manage to forget their email and password...

In some cases, or really, eventually, in all cases, that member simply dies.

By the new year, I was getting worried because I had not heard from Chaste for a few weeks. I tried to sell myself some plausible excuses — it's the new year, work was bound to be busy and hectic, she would surely return when things calm down, right?

I think it took a full year for me to hear of the news that she had passed on. I was chatting with another friend on Discord who was lucky enough to receive a message from a family relation of Chaste confirming the news.

Chaste was a wonderful friend. Witty, affectionate, kind, smart, and being around her was a delight. I can't help but see her as emblematic of the culture that EroFights has managed to cultivate over the years as a healthy, loving, and wholesome community.

I'll be honest — I would have preferred to continue deluding myself that she had simply gotten bored of EF and had just gone on with her life. So, why am I writing about it, and potentially spreading my misery around?

Please forgive me if I did indeed sour your day, it is not at all my intention. For the past five years, I have lost many loved ones, and Chaste was one of them — the only one of my online friends that I know for sure has passed on, at least.

Her death, and frankly all the deaths of those close to me, has had a profound impact in my life. I can't think about them without feeling a tightness in my chest, a shortness of breath.

I do not believe however, that this is something exclusive to me. I am sure that the death of those close to us will affect us in many debilitating ways. I do believe however, that enough time has passed for me to attempt to confront it in some way.

11/2/2025

Even then, writing this is not easy. Finding the words and the will to type them out remains a challenge that I can only take on a little bit every day. It is only human to straddle the line between madness and sadness.

Raised in a stoic upbringing (Editor's note: he means this in the colloquial sense, not the actual school of philosophy), where expressing sensitive emotion was not encouraged, I find it difficult to speak about things like this. I have been trying to do better in the past decade or so, but even now, it is difficult to truly express how I feel about this particular loss of ours.

They say "It's good to talk about your problems", and the reason why I've held my silence for so long is because I fear that if I break it, I'll start screaming — forever.

Some may not understand why I am so torn up about this. From my point of view, online friendships and relationships are just as valid as those offline. In a way, I feel that they are purer, as they are not bound by shallow or physical impressions of appearance.

When you're online, the only thing that truly matters is your personality and interpersonal chemistry with others. That's worth something. It may even be worth everything.

I also believe that it is healthy to acknowledge your feelings, even if it takes time to be ready to do so — and here I will offer some light: things will get better. I choose now to remember Chaste the amazing presence that she was, and her memory will forever live on with me, and you, and I hope, within these words.

It is the right of the writer to be conceited enough to believe that by penning these words, he thus seals immortality for those he loves. EroFights will be 5 years old this year, and already its history and the memory of its members past and present, are fading away. This is my measure to ensure that some of it is preserved.

Wonderful people come through the doors every day. Be it in real life or online. Being part of a positive community is a good start for that. For every pathetic emoji spammer with no personality, there will be a Chaste.

As we walk the line between sadness and madness, the twilight of nostalgia, forever sweet, lies behind us, ready for you to look back at any moment. Before us is a sunrise — an eternity of potential and pleasure, of new people to meet, new things to understand and explore. Partake in both, never forget; always remember.

Unironically: live, laugh, love.

Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.

-Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time