Conversation 101

In EroFights, as in life, the ability to engage a person in conversation is vital. Talking is how you connect with other human beings by finding common ground, mutual interest, and good old-fashioned chemistry.

Given that EroFights is a social experience in which establishing a favourable human interaction is key to having a good time and long-lasting relationships, I thought we should have a discussion on good conversation habits.

Attitude Check.

Before we begin, I think it's important to understand what this article is NOT about.

It's not a manual for "game". This is not something to teach you how to get laid. It's not a "how to get popular" instructional. It's not some kind of "hack" that will get you what you want in life.

In EroFights, as in life, corrupt, ulterior motivations will never yield anything satisfying. People will just see you as a creep.

If your goal in reading this is to find a way to get people to like you and send nudes to you, this article is not for you. If you treat talking to people as a means to get something sexual, you're not going to get anywhere.

If you want to sincerely learn how to connect with people and improve your ability to hold a conversation with someone you like, then this could be the article for you.

It's also worth noting that this article won't help you magically care about someone if you don't already care about them and genuinely want to have a conversation with them.

I can't help you be interested in someone on a human level. That's your job. My job is to help you somehow hold on to a conversation with this special someone. I can't teach you how to care - if you don't care about forming a bond with someone, none of this will help you.

Now with that out of the way, let's start with 3 simple things to remember!

1 — Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

If you want to get people to actually want to talk to you, then you must show that you care about them and how they feel, and what they're going through. You must first put in the effort to understand someone, before they can even care enough to understand you.

Here's a very common red flag that many of us are guilty of — talking too much about yourself. I get it, you're the protagonist of your own story and you're interesting, but this can get really old when you're the only subject of conversation.

Try not to talk about yourself unless someone asks. In a conversation, your general aim should be to care about the person you're talking to, and to know more about them. You do not enter into the equation until someone asks about you.

2 — A conversation is not a football game.

Football — and I'm talking about the American variety here — is about two teams vying for the ball and trying to progress it towards their respective end zones. Two entities clash and pull the ball in opposite directions of the field.

This leads us to our second red flag: wresting subjects away from your partner. They may want to talk about their day, and something that happened to them, but you find some way to segue the conversation into what you want to talk about, and carry the football in the opposite direction — towards your end zone.

Frankly, it's pretty darned rude.

3 — Give more than you take.

Ask yourself — who are you in a conversation, the giver, or the taker? Do you spend your days passively listening to someone, or focusing the conversation obsessively on your partner, keeping them in a corner even when they try to talk about something else?

Or are you a taker, and all you do is demand the attention of others to what you want to talk about, and what you're going through, and what's going on with your life?

These two descriptions of course, are the extreme forms of toxic interaction. There will always be a level of give and take in any interaction. You shouldn't be a passive listener, and neither should you be the one talking all the time. Some middle ground is needed. By this I mean that you should be listening to your partner and then replying with material of your own — seek to understand, then be understood.

But in my experience, it's better to give more than you take. If you're having a conversation that goes beyond just kinky talk in EF, I think it's generally safe to assume that you're talking to another member of the community and starting medium or long-term correspondence and rapport.

You're probably going to talk to these people at least twice a week, so listening to them and what they have to say, and understanding what they're about, is crucial to building a positive relationship.

"But wait, Winston," you may say. "What about me?"

Remember — a conversation isn't a solo job. You need at least one partner to talk to.

If you're going to talk to anyone in the community regularly, they will naturally reciprocate by giving just a little more than they take. Why? People love it when someone is interested in what's going on in their life.

When they feel good, they want others to feel good. That's just how humans are.

Once everyone gives more to a conversation than they take, we'll have a more caring, closer-knit society.

It's a fairly common EroFights adage: You get what you give.

How to start talking to people

So you got your mindset adjusted and you know what not to do when having a conversation. All that's left then is to actually start one! There are a few ways to start or join a conversation, so let's try and sort through them by each online social setting.

Messaging someone on the EroFights website

So you're looking through profiles on EF and you see one that you really like to talk to, so you send them a DM. But what should you say to start off the conversation? Well, let's start with what you shouldn't start with:

• One-word messages. Yep. "Hi" and nothing else is annoying and largely a waste of time for both sides. People can get a lot of messages on EF, and sifting through messages that say nothing except "hi" and "hello" can be very irritating.
• Insults. EroFights is a place where you can explore all kinds of kinks and fetishes, but civility is non-negotiable. Starting off with "hi slut", or "yo bitch" will result not only in you being ignored, but you'd probably get blocked and reported to the moderators as well.
• Unsolicited photographs. Try not to show your nudes to someone unless they consent to it beforehand.
• The cold roleplay open. Don't introduce yourself through a roleplay scene that the recipient has not had the opportunity to consent to. This is double bad if the profile already explicitly states that they're not into roleplay.

Let's try to remember that there's a person behind that profile. So here are a few decent tips to how to start a conversation with them:

• Say hi... but follow up with what got you typing this message in the first place. Liked the profile pic? Something they wrote caught your eye? You share some similar kinks? Great. Let them know!
• Get to the point. Your message can't be a one-word spam, but it can't be Atlas Shrugged either (Editor's note: the amount of text being the least of your worries if you do). You've said hi, you've told them something nice about their profile... now get to the point. What do you want? A chat? A game? Great, pop the question.
• Listen. Up to this point, you've only been talking about yourself. Turn that mic around and finish with a question. "Would you be interested in something like that?"

Final product:

Hi there Winston! I love how well-written your amazing profile is! I find it particularly... "interesting" that we just so happen share more than a couple of kinks. Seems like we'd have plenty to discuss. Such as "what's your opinion on footjobs?" and... "when can I give you one?" :P

You can modify this general approach to DM someone on the EF Discord, too. Greet them, tell them what caught your interest, tell them what you want, and prompt an answer.

Do note however then when on EF's Discord, you should always check the role tags to see if the person would like to receive any DMs or not.

Joining a group conversation

You're joining a public match or a conversation on Discord. Obviously you want to be a part of that, so how should you start? Again, let's discuss first what you shouldn't do... besides the obvious rule-breaking stuff, there really is just one obvious no-no.

• STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF

Remember: you want to join a conversation, not hijack it, not redirect it. The worst possible start when participating in a group conversation is thus to ignore it entirely and try to divert all attention to yourself. As we've discussed before, a conversation is not a football game, so failing to acknowledge an ongoing conversation and launching into how your day has started, went, or is going, unprompted, is extremely rude. You are here to join the conversation, not be the conversation, so stop talking about yourself and take your place in it by actually contributing to it.

Here's what you SHOULD do to join a conversation!

• If you know something about the subject at hand... just join in! Give your opinion, and if it's not couched in a rude way, you'd be a welcome voice in the discussion!
• If you don't know what people are talking about, but want to join the conversation anyway, as is your right... start with a hello, while also acknowledging the current discussion. Something like... "Good morning everyone! What are you guys talking about? [Blank]? I don't know much about [blank] tbh, what's the deaalll with [blank]!" (Editor's note: I also don't know much about [blank], but I suggest you make it a bit more specific to the conversation at hand than just saying [blank] every time. Also, Seinfeld impressions may or may not prove successful in your situation). Since you've expressed interest in their conversation, they will naturally include you in it!

And that's it, you're part of the conversation now. Have fun!

Effective communication methods

Now that you're part of a conversation, private or public, let's take a look at some ways that you can be a great part of it, and be that guy or gal that someone would love to have a conversation with at any given time.

Listen

It's an underrated skill, but a lot of people just let what their partner says just wash over them without consequence. When someone is talking to you and sharing something about themselves, you should probably care enough to listen and remember it.

Apply this to your conversations. If someone went for vacation, or if they have an important test going on, you should check in on them from time to time, ask them how it's going. Maybe even share some nice places to visit during their vacation, stuff like that. Show that you care and that the things that your partner has shared to you actually matters and made an impression on you.

Without your ability to listen, your conversations with others will just be the same "hi, how are you? Oh, that's good...", completely repetitive, unengaging, boring... after a while, people will just stop talking to you — because you have taken aboard nothing anyone has ever said to you, and you likewise have nothing to give.

Engage

The ability to engage with your talking partners is a big part of having a good conversation. Some elements of this however cannot truly be taught. Chemistry between personalities is not an exact science, after all. You will engage less easily with some people, but instantly hit it off with others.

The ability to engage is simply this: to create a conversation that makes your partners shine. Say, for example, that the conversation turns towards a topic in particular, maybe someone has a pet dog that they obviously love. Try to engage your partner by prompting them to talk about it more.

Simple things like "how long have you had him/her?" and basic observations like "you must love him/her so much" not only puts your partner in their element, talking about something they obviously care about, but it also puts them in the centre of attention, and as social animals, we do love that a whole lot! At the same time, you're learning more about them simply by listening.

It can even be as wholesome as complimenting something that's already apparent, but no one has ever acknowledged out loud. "I love how passionate you are about computers", "I admire how compassionate and caring you are", "I love talking to you, you always have something insightful to say", and so on. Try not to come on too strong, but do be genuine with what you say.

Make people feel good.

Be Real

One of the best ways you can ensure that people want to talk to you for any significant amount of time is to just be a real person. Have likes, have dislikes. Express your emotions, get passionate. Nobody is going to fall in love with a How-Do-You-Do-Good-Sir cardboard cutout.

The worst possible trap a person can fall into when trying to fit into a community is to put on airs, or pretend that they're someone they're not. You know the type. The type that never has anything controversial to say, someone that's always agreeing to the group's consensus, has no real opinions of their own. The person that is agreeable and nice and responds in a way that you can tell as fake, fake, FAKE!

This is all to say that you should have a balanced personality that isn't a chameleon of whoever you're talking to. The human mind is conditioned to detect fakeness, so be real, and keep it that way.

Ineffective Communication Methods

Here is a quick list of things that is guaranteed to put your conversation in life support. Don't worry — in this case, we've all done it at one point or the other. It's unavoidable, really. What we can work on however, is to use these ineffective communication methods less often.

• One-word replies: You're a human being, not a fucking Ouija board.
• Repetitive replies, jokes, comments: if you use the same tired gif or say the same thing more than a few times each day as a reply then IT'S TIME TO STOP. Talk like a real person and not an automatically-generated message.
• Jokes at the expense of someone else: it can get a crowd to laugh, but consider the person you are making the butt of your jokes, and think if you would like to be on the end of a similar joke yourself. Also remember, even if they laugh along now, will they still be laughing after being the target of 100 consecutive jokes?
• Pretending to listen: asking someone how they are and not appearing the least bit interested in the answer is poor form, especially if you use this as a launchpad to talk about your day.
• The apropos-of-nothing: not attempting to acknowledge an ongoing conversation and just announcing your presence with a totally different topic is rude. (Editor's note: yeah, far too many times have I been publicly having a conversation about existential philosophy before someone comes into the room like "HeY gUyS i'M hErE tOo!")
• Attention-seeking: calling attention to something that happened to you unprompted while people are having a conversation can be very rude, especially if the conversation is already about someone else. Example: a group is celebrating someone's birthday, and you come into the conversation talking about what a shitty day you're having. Not cool.

Final Word

I consider conversation to be less of an art and more of a social muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it will be. You can only get better at holding a conversation by engaging in more of it, and this guide, while I hope will be useful, cannot possibly prepare you for everything.

The common themes in this article are apparent, I hope. The message here is to become an uplifting force in someone's life when you open your mouth. People should want to talk to you because of what you give them through the simple act of communication, and they in turn seek to return the favour to you.

Not being able to carry a conversation can be (rightly, in my opinion) seen as a clear inability or unwillingness to put in the effort to socialise with your peers. It can be a sign of selfishness and sloth. It says "I don't have to put in the work to get to know you as a person, but also, you have to pay attention to me, and on EroFights, you must also be sexually available to me while I offer you nothing in return".

Reminder: you can only get what you give.