How To Write a Bad EF Profile
So you're new to EroFights and want to start off on the worst possible foot with its community? Want to end up spending hours in matchmaking without anyone picking you up? Wanna get ignored and blocked and just be the worst possible player on EF?
Well, say no more! I am here to show you how to create the worst possible EroFights profiles that will make sure that no one will enjoy your presence on the website!
Of course, you can always use this article as a guide on what not to do in EroFights, and what not to do to alienate others — the wonderful thing about the written word is that it can be interpreted any number of ways by any number of readers, so enjoy~!
1) Your Character Name
Welcome to EroFights! You've registered your account and have decided to create your first character! You'll need a name, of course. Now, usually, people who are making an effort will try to come up with something clever, simple, or sexy — perhaps even any combination of the above, or all of them at once.
But no...you're special, aren't you? You don't want to make an attractive profile, you want exactly the opposite! Here's some great tips to make the worst possible username you can possibly have on EF:
A) Be Unintelligible
A person's username is one of the things that distinguishes one player from another. You can't exactly attract people if they don't even know your name, right? So the best way to create the worst possible profile is to have a username so unpronounceable and so ludicrous that no one will be able to remember it, let alone type and search for it in our members list.
May I suggest something like... "SGLJSGsg60" Or Perhaps "#$#$&*)*!"? Oh, wait...you're special, you think you're oh so clever...so how about... "(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻"?
The less you look like a human and more like a monkey having a rave on the keyboard, the more likely you are to have a great time being ignored by everyone on EroFights!
B) Be Unsexy
EroFights is about sex, so what's the unsexiest, most obnoxious username that you can possibly put out there that will not only turn-off everyone, but also get you blocked?
How about Shrivel Dick? Madam Meat Flaps? The Shit-smeller? You can be as disgusting and cringe-inducing as you like in your quest to become EroFights' number-one person to avoid!
C) Be Lazy
Who needs a unique username when the game already gave you one for your guest account? There's nothing wrong walking around in a year-long account with the name "Kind Sir (Guest)" is there?
Why bother doing your best trying to attract anyone to play with you when you have everything you need right here? A smiley-face avatar, a guest account, bot games...they're fun...right? You don't need the full EroFights experience, no...not at all...
2) Your Avatar
Now that you got a sweet name that nobody knows how to pronounce or type (or for that matter, even want to), you should get your avatar sorted out too. It is your face on this website, so you should probably show your worst possible one, right?!
Well then, what are the worst possible avatars that you can use to repulse everybody? Hmm...let's take a look:
A) Be 'Clever'
This is EroFights, a website where sexy people meet other attractive people and act out their most erotic adventures and fantasies. It's a place absolutely damp with arousal and anticipation.
Why, even staying in matchmaking feels almost like a tantric experience — so why not prolong that pleasure even more by staying there for half a day with the finest possible people-repellent avatar?
You're gonna be here for a long time, so why not get comfy? Why not sit in matchmaking with an Oscar the Grouch avatar? Because trash is immensely attractive and sexy, right?!
Or perhaps not...that's not going to cut it. You want to be clever, right? You want to be the biggest swinging dick in the bad avatar stakes. Hmm, dick, cock...cock, chicken...why not get yourself an avatar courtesy of Colonel Sanders' Kentucky Fried Chicken?
God...you are so clever with this!
B) Be 'Deep'
Being clever just isn't going to cut it. You want to cultivate a literally unapproachable and unrelatable persona, to better enjoy marinating in the arousal juices of matchmaking.
How about an avatar of the wondrous vista known as the Grand Canyon? How about the verdant rolling hills made famous in Windows XP's default wallpaper? Ooh, what about a pic of the sea? Now you can be literally rolling in the deep!
Yeah...representing yourself as a piece of landscape instead of a piece of ass is definitely the best way to be part of the furniture here at EroFights! Look at them hills and valleys, baby!
C) In Bruges
What's that? This is beneath you? Being clever or deep is just not your style? You've transcended the conventional levels of cringe, you say? Well then, I have just the thing for a special snowflake like you...
How about some cleverly arranged vegetables? A carrot looks like a penis, and penises are sexy, right? Oooh, but yours is pretty big, so a cucumber would be more appropriate...
What about beds? Beds are sexy...it's where sex usually happens...you can be a bed, sitting in matchmaking...ready to be laid on by some guy or girl...goodness, you're such a catch...
Wait...special snowflake...you can wait in matchmaking with a snowflake avatar! Oh my...truly an inscrutable presence in EroFights' sweltering matchmaking queue...
3) Your Profile Text
So! You have your name, and your face all sorted out, and you're ready to be the most cringeworthy user in all of EroFights. But wait! Seems like you're missing something...
Only amateurs leave their profile blank — anyone can do that! No, you want to be genuinely b-b-b-b-b-bad to the bone, so some effort will have to be made here.
Well, at least a little...
A) Be Unhelpful
A profile's text is supposed to help entice people to play with you. It's a good place to talk about your kinks and limits, as well as what you expect to receive from your partner, in addition to 'selling' them what you can give.
But no — you want to do the opposite! So let's make your text work for you and use it to drive away as many prospective partners as possible! Let's start with the magic words.
Repeat after me now:
Hi! I am up for anything!
Wow! What an unhelpful intro! You see, this is what you call a paradox — by saying that you're up for literally anything, you're actually telling your partner nothing. You're not offering anything of interest to the other party, and despite the enthusiastic outlook, you are basically being supremely unhelpful and providing no information about yourself except for your desperate desire to waste someone's time.
Poetry in motion: those who do not stand for something will fall for anything.
Keep things brief too, don't want to give away any of your secrets, right? Remember - brevity is the soul of wit.
Be) A Guilt-tripper
Not that anyone cares, and I doubt any of you are reading this or are interested in playing with me...
Ah...the words that gets every pussy wet and every cock hard...wait no, I meant the opposite of that...
Slathering yourself in the musk of a guilt-tripper and emotional blackmailer is definitely going to make you stand out amongst the worst-of-the-worst! Ain't nothing more undesirable than mentally twisting someone's arm so that they'll play with you! But of course, you don't want them to play with you...that's the whole point...genius!
C) Be Long-winded
So let's say being short and up for everything is just too low-effort for you, and being whiny isn't exactly the right kind of stink that you want out of your EroFights experience...
Then it's time to throw down, and cement your place as the worst possible profile on the website! Talk about yourself. In mind-numbing detail. Tell them everything. How many moles do you have? Which do you prefer, sniffing your own farts, or chewing with your mouth open? Do you like rocks? Spare no detail in your pursuit of imperfection!
Talk about anything BUT what's relevant! How many cars do you have? What's your favourite dish to have during Thanksgiving? What are your hobbies? Who's your favourite wide-receiver? DO YOU LIKE JENGA?!
Turn your profile into a never-ending Star Wars exposition crawl. Make it the Vietnam War Memorial of EroFights! Or turn it into the Atlas Shrugged of profiles.
The Final Word
If you haven't figured it out by now, this is a guide made in jest. Unless you actually want to not have a good time on EroFights, you shouldn't do any of the above.
A profile's three major component parts — name, avatar, and text, all go hand-in-hand to become greater than the sum of its parts. When one is defective, it undermines everything else.
A bad avatar can drive people away long before your charming description can entice a prospective playmate, and likewise, a name is enough to tell anyone if you're serious — nobody is going to want to hook up with Mr Meatfarts69420.
Finally, your text. It can't be brief and uninformative, but there is such a thing as too much information. You have to show everyone that you can string a few sentences together, but you also have to show the world that you know how to edit yourself down. There's a balance here and straying too far in extremes will always yield negative results.
I do hope this guide has been informative and helpful, and that you take what I have to say here to heart, but also take it in jest. If you've seen a reflection of yourself anywhere in here and that's made you uncomfortable, don't take it personally. It's not easy knowing what other people want or are looking for, but hopefully this gives a little idea of some of the stuffs that users on here have highlighted as things which turn them off.
If nothing else though, this was a blast to write.